I explore how EMDR therapy is helping me heal deep-rooted beliefs about unworthiness and transform my relationships by viewing people through the lens of compassion rather than judgment.
• Discovering connections between childhood wounds and current relationship patterns
• Identifying how unhealed wounds unconsciously inform our present choices
• Understanding the impact of anxious attachment on friendships and marriage
• Learning to view the “sum of the whole person” instead of judging people by single incidents
• Finding value in reframing past hurts through questions that challenge negative beliefs
• Applying the “Kodak moments” approach from “Transforming the Difficult Child” to improve parenting
• Shifting from judgment to compassionate acceptance in relationships
• Recognizing how finding identity in Christ changes perspective on relationships
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Transcript:
Speaker 1:
If you’ve ever struggled with fear, doubt or worry and wondering what your true purpose was all about, then this podcast is for you. In this show, your host, sylvia Worsham, will interview elite experts and ordinary people that have created extraordinary lives. So here’s your host, sylvia Worsham.
Speaker 2:
Hey, lightbringers, it’s Sylvia Worsham. Welcome to Released Out Revealed Purpose In this episode. I’m going to be talking about the sum of the whole, and what I mean by that is in recent is. In recent months, as you guys know, I’ve been taking individual therapy and as such, I have been discovering a great deal about my wounds needed healing. One of those wounds was in about my relationships and the belief systems around my relationships, specifically my friendships, because I am healing those wounds so I can parent my 10-year-old and 19-year-old from the best space possible, and that is from a healed space. To do that, I decided that I needed to go back to individual therapy and do EMDR, and these sessions have been fabulous.
Speaker 2:
Yes, they’re painful. Yes, they sometimes are a drag, because I am focusing my mind and the powers of my focus towards chapters of my life that were very painful for me. And what we have found through the therapy my therapist and I is that it goes down even deeper than originally thought, and the more I remember, the more visions that come up to me and reveal things to me that at first glance I had never even considered. So what this is helping me do this, emdr therapy is one identify the belief systems tied to this feeling that I’m having, that the feeling is of unworthiness, but it goes even deeper than unworthiness. It talks it’s more about people not fighting for me, feeling like I’m not worth it, and so there’s different connections being made that my mind made long ago and this vision came to me this morning as a matter of fact, of my baby hands. So it’s like my mind is trying to tell me hey, this is from long, long ago and you’re doing a good job, keep going, you’re uncovering, you’re making all these connections and, believe it or not, it’s even tied to my career as an author and as a podcast host. It’s really interesting the connections that are mind, specifically the subconscious mind, which is the most powerful part of the mind, how deep it goes. It goes deep and in recent weeks I have been reframing how I see certain friendships, how I even see my marriage, how I see my spouse. It matters the lens by which you look through things. So in this stage of my life, I am finding my identity in Christ and when you do that, your lens shifts to a lens of compassion and love and mercy and patience and kindness, and love and mercy and patience and kindness, because that’s Christ’s lens.
Speaker 2:
It’s not an easy thing to do. I will admit it’s tough and there’s days way to take ownership for my rule in the bullying years, my parenting. Imagine that like I see myself, I see myself through her attitude and I remember attitude and I remember the more you work to heal a wound, the more you uncover. It’s like you’re digging deeper and deeper and deeper, and it’s not a bad thing. Some of us I’ve heard this through friends and mutual acquaintances they don’t want to go to therapy because one they’re avoiding their pain. They think if I dig too deep, what am I going to find and what am I going to do with that? Here’s where I want you to understand about not digging.
Speaker 2:
When you don’t dig, that unhealed space informs your choices. Let me say that again. That unhealed wound is informing the attitude and choices you’re currently making today and the choices we make as parents. We understand this. There is a consequence to that choice. The consequence could be a detrimental thing to you. You may be attracting certain personalities into your life because you are operating from a lens of fear and scarcity and when we do that scarcity and when we do that, we project. Therefore, we will attract that because that’s what we’re throwing out into our spheres of influence, right? So let’s break this down a little bit further.
Speaker 2:
Healing ourselves, getting the help that we need, will one uncover what beliefs are truly driving these things, and we will be able to then, with that knowledge, shift that belief over, shift those thoughts over, create new thoughts, create new belief systems, because what we’re doing right now, when we deal with unhealed wounds, is, when we get the help, we are shedding that identity and creating something new, and it’s the same concept of becoming a new person when we accept christ as our savior. It’s the same concept. We die. Our old life dies when we say yes to him, and so I wanted to bring some information to you today regarding this concept of when we heal, we start to see things a little bit clearer from a different lens, and it helps us be more compassionate towards the people that we’ve been judging or expecting a lot from. It’s usually people that have hurt us. I know I had a girlfriend that hurt me very deeply in 2021.
Speaker 2:
And it’s that instance that actually starts my EMDR sessions, because they usually take one event and then we start to see how the mind starts making connections between that one event and the belief systems and the library it’s like bouncing off of. And so what I mean by library it’s all these experiences that my mind has stored in there that I’ve given it proof, the proof it needs to give that belief of unworthiness more traction in my life. You see, sylvia, like when something actually happens, you see you shouldn’t have done that, you see you’re not worthy. You see that just confirms to you it’s this confirmation bias that is going up against your mind. So what I want you guys to understand and know about what I’ve been going through these past couple of months and in most recent weeks, emdr therapy is I have actually started to view those loved ones with less judgment, less expectation, and have actually reframed it in my mind to acceptance, acceptance and compassion. Acceptance and compassion, compassionate acceptance of who they are and how they show up for me.
Speaker 2:
One of the things that I’ve uncovered in my friendships is that I have, as I’ve mentioned in previous episodes, an anxious attachment to my relationships. That includes my marriage and it includes my friendships, and what that means for me is that when some conflict occurs that occurred with this girlfriend of mine in 2021, I will do, I will pursue that relationship with such fervor and try to fix things that sometimes for people that are like her personality, is an avoidant personality, much like my husband’s. I can actually turn them off by pursuing them longer and wanting to fix things, because in my mind, in my anxious mind and heart, I feel like I’m going to lose that relationship if I don’t fix it in that moment. So that dynamic is usually not from a space, and so I’m very grateful for these sessions right, and I am making an intentional effort to not just accept their friendship as what they’re giving, but I’m also reflecting on the ways they have showed up for me.
Speaker 2:
One of the things that I’ve learned in the latest training I’m undergoing currently at the church the cognitive behavioral therapy coaching training I’m receiving to be able to coach community members at Gateway North has been the idea of taking these thoughts and asking certain questions to kind of dispel that thought power, meaning, for example, this relationship with this girlfriend. I had always thought, and that I wasn’t such a good friend to hers, based on the very bad incident that we had, that I wasn’t special to her, and so then some of the questions I’ve asked myself in recent weeks has been, or in the past week has been. How has she shown up for you? How is this thought true? And if I can’t come up with evidence of how that’s true, then it’s obviously something that is tied to something deeper within me and it is something that perhaps has nothing to do with her, but has something to do with my old belief systems and old ways of being and patterns of behavior, right, Patterns of control, patterns of needing to be secure and not asking for things in return, right?
Speaker 2:
So what I’m learning a lot is I’m not going to take one incident like this, one incident that she showed me, and judge her on this one incident. I’m going to take the sum of the entire person that she is and then I’m going to ask myself a couple of questions Is this like the kind of friendship I want to have? Moving forward, how can we have an honest conversation about? And it? And it changes the dynamics of the friendship, right, because I changed, and I changed the way I’m looking at it and the way I’m operating within it, if that makes any sense. So I want you guys to go back if you will, if this is something that resonates with you, if you feel like you’re in this spot, maybe with your spouse, or with your child, or with a friend of yours, or a parent or a sibling? You know there’s a coworker.
Speaker 2:
Ask yourself am I viewing them and judging them on this one experience? Or how are they actually showing up for me? How are they being a good friend to me? How is this not true? Right, like this belief, how is this not true in our relationship? And I started to remember the ways she had shown up for me last year when I was losing my dad, how she had invited my daughter to be with her daughter and it’d be weekends. I was with my parents, I felt safe and I felt loved and I felt that there was this reciprocity, whereas before, looking at it through the lens of that unhealed wound, I was starting to feel resentment and bitterness towards this friend of mine and self-love.
Speaker 2:
When you start to really incorporate the concept of self-love in your life and self-awareness and viewing yourself the way that Christ views you and through the lens of Christ, everything starts to shift within you because it just does not feel in alignment anymore. This old person, this identity that is based on fear, based on scarcity, based on unhealed wounds. So the sum of the whole person is what we want to view it from. We want to look at everything they do for us and how this has shifted my marriage and the way I see my child or my husband or even my son has shifted my marriage and the way I see my child or my husband or even my son, is that I start to look for things, to appreciate the small moments in life, the Kodak moments. That is a term I learned in the latest book I’m reading, which is transforming the difficult child. It’s based on the nurtured heart method.
Speaker 2:
I can’t remember the author’s name, but it’s a phenomenal book for those who have kids that are quote-unquote, difficult, defiant, love to break rules, and it’s been an eye-opener for me. I just loved reading it. It’s an easy read and I’m becoming a much better parent to my 10 year old daughter and even to my 90 year old boy. By zeroing in on these Kodak moments, these moments that I appreciate, the smallest of moments in my everyday life with the people that I love, and by seeing them and speaking them to that person, I am leveling up in the way I view our friendship, our marriage.
Speaker 2:
It really is an incredible resource for those that are seeking a much more appreciative approach to parenting, a much more positive approach, a very unconventional approach to parenting, because the conventional ways with a difficult child just don’t work. And I’ve been in those shoes and I’ve been so frustrated the last couple of years and I’m just so grateful that I am in this position right now to be able to uncover how to be a better mother, how to be a better wife, how to be a better friend. I love that. It helped me see the whole of the situation instead of trying to zero in on the one event that broke my heart. I’m Sylvia Worsham. Thank you so much for tuning in to this week’s episode titled the Sum of the Whole. Have a wonderful week, stay safe, love y’all. Bye now.
Speaker 1:
So that’s it for today’s episode of Release Doubt Reveal Purpose. Head on over to iTunes or wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week who posts a review on iTunes will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $25,000 private VIP day with Sylvia Worsham herself. Be sure to head on over to Released Doubt RevealPurposePodcastcom and pick upa free copy of Sylvia’s gift and join us on the next episode.