After my father’s stroke in 2003, my mother dedicated more than two decades to his care, often sacrificing her own needs and desires. Now, as she adjusts to life without him, she’s learning the critical importance of reclaiming her time and energy. Join me, Sylvia Worsham, on this episode of Released Out Reveal Purpose, where I share insights from my mom’s courageous journey towards self-care and the challenges she faces in setting boundaries with our family. Her story is a poignant reminder of the strength required to prioritize one’s own well-being in the midst of overwhelming expectations.
As we navigate the often complex dynamic of supporting aging parents, it’s essential to communicate honestly about needs and boundaries. In this episode, I discuss how saying no can be a liberating and empowering choice, especially for women who are traditionally seen as caretakers. My mom’s recent experience in choosing herself over familial pressures will resonate with anyone striving to balance their own joy with the demands of family life. Let’s explore how we can support our loved ones in living simpler, more fulfilling lives while ensuring our own happiness isn’t neglected.
Transcript:
Speaker 1:
If you’ve ever struggled with fear, doubt or worry and wondering what your true purpose was all about, then this podcast is for you. In this show, your host, sylvia Worsham, will interview elite experts and ordinary people that have created extraordinary lives. So here’s your host, sylvia Worsham.
Speaker 2:
Hey, lightbringers, it’s Sylvia Worsham. Welcome to Released Out Reveal Purpose. In this episode, we’re going to be talking about saying yes to more time and energy, and I’ve got a story to share with you guys that puts this into perspective. As you guys know, in 2024, I lost my father, and mom had been, in essence, taking care of dad from the moment he had a stroke back in 2003. So it’s been a while it’s been now 21 years of him struggling with this, and mom didn’t. Really it didn’t bother her to take care of dad. In fact, she always used to say it was her privilege to do so, but of course it does take a toll on people right.
Speaker 2:
And when he got sick it started to change her family dynamic significantly, because now daddy was the primary source of her responsibility and less about her kids and her kids’ needs right. So I learned back in 2003 how to start managing without my mom’s help. A lot right. But when dynamics have been the same for a long time, people fall back into old patterns of behavior. When they’re together and the expectation is always that, well, the grandmother’s there to take care of my kids and it’s an expectation that’s really quite unfair to the grandparent, considering the situation my mom found herself in once daddy passed away. Mom has always struggled with saying no and saying yes to more time and energy.
Speaker 2:
And it’s something I’ve encouraged her to do because she was so tired all the time taking care of dad, and when you’re so tired, it’s because you’ve overextended yourself. And as women, as caretakers, as being the loving part of that dynamic, we’re very used to taking care of everyone and being the nurturers and always being there for everybody else except ourselves. The problem we run into as women is that we give so much of ourselves that we forget how to bring joy to our own selves, that we forget how to bring joy to our own selves. And so this is a conversation I’ve had with my aging mom where I’ve said you know, you shouldn’t feel bad saying no to anybody that asks of your time and energy.
Speaker 2:
If it’s something that’s going to overextend you and you’re going to be exhausted and you find that it stresses you out and overwhelms you, you should definitely say no to those situations. Well, just recently, she had a situation arise where she practiced saying yes to more time and energy for herself, more joy, full encounters, but unfortunately, my sibling was not expecting that reaction. It’s almost like the expectation was well, you’re the grandmother, you should be doing this Right, and I want to be able to go out and be with my family, with my wife, and have this play out for me very well. Well, mom said yes to one situation and said no to another, and after saying no, this sibling of mine kind of took a very personal and reacted in that way.
Speaker 2:
So one thing I want to assert on this podcast is that, as our parents, age.
Speaker 2:
I think we all need to come to the realization that we will rely less and less on their guidance as they get older, and what we really want to do is we want to make their lives as easy as possible because, quite frankly, they’ve earned the right to have an easier life. In mom’s case, she gave of herself so much to her kids and to her husband. At this stage of her life she really needs to say more to her time and energy and more to joyful encounters, because she’s been through a lot in 2024. She lost her best friend, her sister, her younger sister, and then she also lost dad. Right to counter so much grief, you really need to start setting up those healthy boundaries, and how you do that, even during the holidays, is to just be very clear in your communication with your family and say and be as honest as possible.
Speaker 2:
No lying.
Speaker 2:
You don’t have to lie, you can just say look, I’m tired, I’m not as young as I used to be, I don’t want to take care of a lot of people, I’m not as young as I used to be, I don’t want to take care of a lot of people. She had to have these conversations with her brother, who has a tendency to bring a lot of his family with him when they visit mom in, in, you know, mexico, and mom was very clear on, on setting her boundary and saying I’ll have you over, you and your wife, but no one else, and that’s her right to do so, right. And at first she said she felt so uncomfortable doing that. Well, I’m here to tell you that any change that you start incorporating in your life because it’s not something you’re used to doing it’s going to be uncomfortable. You’re not going to feel very good about this, right, it’s going to feel out of character, and that’s normal. So one thing I want you to remember as you’re incorporating these new changes in your life is to have grace for yourself.
Speaker 2:
There are days you’re not going to be able to do it. Don’t beat yourself up.
Speaker 2:
It’s a big deal for you as you grow spiritually, as you grow emotionally, as you grow physically and mentally. These things take grace and they take consistency and just continuously do it so that your family starts to get used to the person you are becoming right and not the person they’re used to dealing with right, Because we all fall into these family dynamics. I think you know what I’m talking about, right? So when I was growing up, I was the oldest and always the one kind of like guiding others right, and always the one that took on all the responsibility for when things went awry, like so, when my dad got sick, my brother and sister both looked at me and said oh, you’re the oldest, you take the responsibility of that. And they didn’t even ask me, they just assumed I would take that role right, because I’m very good at that role.
Speaker 2:
But there comes a point in your life that sometimes you’re like I don’t want that role. So in order to stop taking that role, much like my mom said well, yes, I’m the grandmother and yes, I should take care of my grandchildren I should be able to choose when I can and when I want to take care of my grandchildren right, or when I want to take care of extra people coming into my house because I’m the one that ultimately ends up doing all the work with very little help, let’s face it right. So if you’re one of those people that gets put all this responsibility on them and then everybody else just kind of winters off and doesn’t, do you know, and you fall into those dynamics, realize that you need to start asserting yourself, not in a nasty way, because we’re not saying do it ugly or mean or anything, but do it assertively and with confidence and just say you know what?
Speaker 2:
I’m just not that person anymore and I don’t want to be. So if you want to be part of my world, realize this is a new me and I’d be sad to see you go Right. But I’m saying yes to more time and energy for me because I need that time and energy so that I can devote more time and energy for me because I’ve I need that time and energy so that I can devote more time and energy to those that I love, because the part of self-care for females is really tough.
Speaker 2:
I struggled with it immensely, and I know my mom did too, and I think it’s a generational thing. In all honesty, coming from the Mexican culture, we’re used to just kind of taking care of everybody else and us we’re totally last and no one really thinks of us.
Speaker 2:
So if you don’t think, of yourself, no one else will, because they fall into those roles and into those habits. That’s a habit. So now it’s about switching the habit around and just kind of making people aware hey, I’d love to see you. Here are my conditions Like not conditions in a bad way, but just like saying here’s the boundary that I need you to respect in order for us to hang out and have joyful time together. I’ll host you, I just won’t host you and 20 of your people. I just don’t have the energy anymore. And she has every right and I have every right right To say love y’all. I know I’m the oldest, I know this is usually how it goes, but I kind of don’t want to be that responsible, serious personality anymore, because this is not who I want to be anymore, and so I’m choosing yes to more time and energy and joyfulness and no to the serious part of me, right? So realize, when you go into these family dynamics, it’s going to take some time, some consistency and some grace, like I’ve said, because change is hard for a lot of people, and view the change as an opportunity to stretch yourself and the options that this opportunity is affording you. So now let’s say, for example, my sibling’s case. Mom doesn’t want to take care of grandchildren anymore. Great, what does that help me do? Well, that gets my creative juices flowing. Who can I form a collaboration with where we each gain, where we each have a win-win situation? Right In my case, when I moved to Austin and I had less time to rely on mom because she wasn’t so close to me, I started talking to girlfriends of mine.
Speaker 2:
Hey, I know you want to go out with your significant other. You have a little girl. Our girls get along. Why don’t you do this? One weekend you take my girl and take care of her so I can travel, and another weekend I’ll return the favor. And it’s a win-win right. Had my mom said no and had I not moved away, I would not have had that opportunity, because once our parents die, we’re going to have to come up with these solutions. Right, because we’re still going to want to go out and have fun with our family, with our spouses, significant others.
Speaker 2:
Do a girls weekend whatever whatever it is, view this as an opportunity to stretch your creative juices and view it very differently than the way you’re viewing it now. Right, so once again say yes to time and energy. That means asserting yourself and the new boundaries and the new way you want to be. If you’re on the receiving end of those new boundaries, also realize that this is an opportunity for you to see change as an actual good thing and not such a like bad thing, resentful thing bitter thing.
Speaker 2:
You know. This is actually stretching us to be better human beings, better, better children to our aging parents and just better off family members. Right, we need to start realizing that sometimes you know people that are, whether they realize it or not, are taking advantage of our goodwill, right, and sometimes they realize what they’re doing and they continue to do it, which is really selfish and self-centered and narcissistic. Quite frankly, in other aspects they don’t even realize they’re doing it. It’s just a habit they have formed around the family dynamic and the expectation that, well, she’s my mom and so she is a grandmother and she’s going to take care of my kids and so it’s going to be easy. Right? Never rely on that. So realize change is tough.
Speaker 2:
Now, if that family member continues to make you feel bad of your choice of saying, yes, more time and energy in your life, maybe you need to start reflecting on how much time you want to spend with this particular family member and how they make you feel, because there’s only so much time and energy left as you age that you really need to make a decision on who you want to spend that time with and what, if any, joy they bring to your life, and that’s something only you can determine. Now, when it comes to, like siblings or spouses, it’s a little bit tougher to do, right, it’s a little bit tougher to do, but it’s something that you do need to kind of take into consideration and realize that. You know you may need to kind of separate yourself a little bit from this individual and realize that they’re not going to be able to provide you with that change in a positive way. So, once again, just say yes to more time and energy as a woman. Incorporate some self-care, learn how to say no.
Speaker 2:
Take a look at the areas of your life where you are overextending yourself, where your time and energy is really depleted, because if you’re that exhausted, because you’re being depleted in various areas of your life, take an inventory of what those areas are and what can you do. Are there things you can drop off? Are there individuals you need to just kind of like realize that you’re not going to be spending as much time with them because they take all your time, they take all your energy? Or are you going to need to start practicing some detachment from when they come with you with so much emotion, so much, and just kind of realize that’s them, it’s a projection of their own inner turmoil, and not really any expression towards you specifically. It’s just something that they’re carrying around inside of them and they’re projecting onto you. I’m Sylvia Worsham. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of saying yes to more time and energy and no to those things that do not bring you joy. Have a wonderful week, stay safe. Love y’all. Bye now.
Speaker 1:
So that’s it for today’s episode of Release Douleased Out Reveal Purpose. Head on over to iTunes or wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week who posts a review on iTunes will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $25,000 private VIP day with Sylvia Worsham herself. Be sure to head on over to ReleasedOutRevealPurposePodcastcom and pick up a free copy of Sylvia’s gift and join us on the next episode.